I do like my job, but every now and then my last nerve is fried. I know why emergency nurses get grouchy over time. It’s because people who are not EMERGENT show up at all hours and expect me to wake a doctor up at 4am because a child has a sore throat. IT’S COLD AND FLU SEASON…what did you expect?
To save health professionals from limitless frustration and unsuspecting patients from exposure to all manner of hospital-acquired infections, I have put together a thoughtful list to help the patient discern when to come to emergency (feel free to flesh out my list should I miss something).
Come to the ED if:
1. One of your appendages/head/torso has suffered an encounter with the following (not exhaustive): a chop saw, car, heavy piece of machinery/relative/rock/building, bridge, garage door, knife, gun, judo master, Jedi master, stair master.
2. You do not presently have all of the body parts or senses you had when you woke up this morning (if presently it is early morning, compare your current inventory with what you went to bed with last night.)
3. You are female and it is not a weekday and you had unprotected sex within the last 72 hours (this does not count if your partner was also female unless something is itchy or oozy that isn’t normally itchy or oozy).
4. You are throwing up bright green or red (If you have eaten pizza, red/green popsicles/juice/etc. use your best judgement).
5. You have swallowed a sharp or blunt object.
6. You do not normally set off the metal detectors at your local airport or high school, and have begun to do so recently without logical explanation.
7. Every living thing in your house has died after consuming your tap water or fruit cake.
8. Your arm/knee/head is pointing/bending the wrong direction.
9. You are bleeding uncontrollably from any God-given or man-made orifice.
10. A dog/squirrel/raccoon bit you who appears to have eaten cool whip for lunch.
11. An invisible elephant has taken up permanent residence on your chest.
12. You have purposefully or unwittingly ingested/inhaled any of the following: large doses of any medication, hairspray, mouthwash, household cleanser, alcohol, water or smoke.
13. You cannot find your pulse (please do not palpate both sides of your neck simultaneously, this will inevitably end in unconsciousness, refer to #14).
14. You have recently lost consciousness.
15. You need condoms (take a covert bathroom break here in the department and fill your pockets from the bin in the bathroom). However, if there are an increased number of incidents involving water balloons and latex-related anaphylaxis we might revise this policy.
16. You are in labor and your contractions are five minutes apart and your uterus feels as hard as your forehead during them.
17. You were scheduled for a repeat c-section and you are presently in labor.
18. Your tongue is swelling.
19. You have been attacked.
20. You are in severe pain. Enough that you would miss an ‘everything is free’ sale at the local mall.
21. It is the weekend and you haven’t gone to the bathroom in 5 days and your top end is starting to smell like your bottom end.
For all other complaints, see your friendly family physician during a weekday at their clinic. *Note this does require some planning and foresight on your part. I think you can handle it.
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